Hello Reader,

My daughter had roller derby camp this week.

This is something she's wanted to do since last summer after reading the Roller Girl graphic novel. She's practiced, watched youtube videos, attended junior derby bouts, and signed up for camp.

It was all very exciting until the weekend before camp arrived. Suddenly, roller derby wasn't her thing. It was something her old self liked, but not anymore. She didn't want to be the worst one there. She didn't want to be the best either.

At this point, let's just pause and take a breath.

This was a situation that required perseverance. There have been times when I've let her opt out because she truly wasn't interested in an activity or event, but this was different. She went from wanting to go to speaking in absolutes about it ("this is not my thing" "I don't know why I ever liked this"). It was a sudden change, and it tipped me off to bigger worries under the surface.

So, we pulled out the skates and tried skating around the neighborhood, and fear number one popped up: she didn't know how to stop. Once that was out in the open, more worries arose. She was worried about the other kids: would they be mean? Would they make fun of her? What if she was the only one who couldn't stop?

Honestly, skating in the neighborhood didn't help that much. The ground was uneven and there were a lot of hills, so she came away thinking she could no longer skate because she didn't feel comfortable skating in those conditions. But knowing what was driving the resistance was invaluable. She needed a confidence boost and fast, so we went to the roller rink across town and skated together for an hour. It was enough to help her remember that skating is fun, and she's good at it.

It wasn't easy, but we made it to that first day of camp. It went well. She was excited to wear her camp t-shirt for day two. But when morning rolled around, she still didn't want to go back. Some of the kids had been skating and working on derby skills for years. They were fast. They could stop. They knew what they were doing. It was A LOT. But again, I knew I had to persevere because she came home that first day focused on the good stuff. The anxious feelings only came up again when it was time to get ready for day two.

We took it one step at a time. I listened, but I also redirected: let's focus on what's in front of us; I need to get ready, and I need you to get ready, so do this one thing now and I promise I will listen more and talk to you more about it and help you make a plan once we're in the car.

It was an intense morning for both of us, but we made it, and she was sold by the end of the day. Now she's talking about joining the league.

This is something that comes up for my clients, too. Kids often speak in extreme. "You're not my friend anymore!" usually means I'm really angry with you; it's not literal. If they're feeling conflicted or anxious about a new activity, they're more likely to say, "I'm not going back." You owe it to them to dig deeper, especially if they've shown any signs of enjoying the activity. It might be anxiety speaking. It's your job to step into detective mode and figure out why. I can help you figure out how to do this. All it takes to get started is to schedule a free consultation. We'll discuss your situation and decide if coaching together is a fit for us.

If you're on the fence or facing a specific problem that you'd like immediate help with, I'm excited to announce that I have a new offering to share: on demand coaching via Voxer! I will be holding "office hours" all day next Sunday, July 27th. In an effort to make this offering accessible, all I need from you to claim your spot is a donation of $5+. Once I've received your donation, I'll send over my Voxer info.

Your partner in parenting,

Julia McGarey

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