Hello Reader,

We've all been there. You made the plans. They know the plans (although, it's debatable whether or not they're fully on board). The time comes to execute the plan, and they're giving you a full-bodied no.

They won't go, and now they're in full-blown meltdown mode, crying on the floor or curled into themselves under a blanket.

What can you do?

Most parents have one of two reactions:

Are you kidding me?!

Faced with a sudden meltdown, they feel blind-sided. They had a plan and talked about it. That's supposed to help their child be prepared, right? And now this? Their reaction might even escalate from "Are you kidding me?" to "Cut the crap and let's get going!" neither of which lays a foundation for future success.

"This is why we can't have nice things" mode.

These parents see the meltdown, accept the meltdown, and concede to the meltdown. Maybe they even stop trying. The more this happens, the harder it feels to have the life they want (or even leave the house).

So, what can you do about it when it's happening?

The first step, as always, is to pause. Catch yourself - as quickly as you can - and stop talking. Collect yourself. Walk away if you have to, letting them know you need a minute. Even if an exasperated, "Seriously?!" or more has already escaped. As soon as you notice this reaction, slow yourself down and regroup.

Keep in mind that this is a practice; the more you do it, the better you get at recognizing your own reactions.

Then, once you've regrouped, you want to do two things: figure out why they are upset and EMPATHIZE. They need to know that you're with them and that what they are going through is valid. Helping ground them in the knowledge that they are understood and supported will take both of you so much farther than telling them to suck it up.

And you really do want to understand why they are feeling this way. Not only will it help you empathize (there's always a reason, and once you find it, the behavior will make sense), it will help you help them. If they could help themselves, they would. They can't, though. They're stuck. And so they melt down.

They need you to help them see a solution.

If you take giving up off the table, what solution can you offer? What's the plan? What will help them feel safer to try, and how can they let you know that it's not working?

It might be as simple as "I'll go with you and if you're still uncomfortable, we'll go home."

They might need to know they can call or text you if they need to, and you'll be there for them.

They might need help figuring out who task for help if you're not there.

There are so many variations because there are so many obstacles. The key is figuring out what "insurmountable" obstacle they see in their path, and helping them with a plan that makes it manageable.

Most parents aren't doing this. And most parents are forgetting two things: our kids always have a reason for their distress, AND they always have a plan. Sometimes the distress comes from disruptions to their plan. It's vital that you understand their distress AND their plan.

And if most parents aren't doing this, that means that some are! Some of you are already doing this, and it's working brilliantly. You need to celebrate this! Remember, the goal isn't to raise a perfectly compliant kid, it's to raise a problem-solver, and doing that is messy. But you ARE doing it! Keep going!

Some of you are doing this already, and it still isn't working. This is a huge clue, a big puzzle piece. If this is happening to you, don't ignore it. If you're following all of these steps and it's not working, it could mean there's something else going on that you aren't seeing yet.

It could be as simple as burnout - many adults don't even know how to recognize this in themselves until they can't go on anymore; we can't expect our kids to be able to pinpoint it and articulate it.

It could also be something bigger, something that warrants evaluation and possibly diagnosis.

Either way, a good first step is to ask less of them (even if it feels like you're already doing that). Give their nervous system space to slow down, and seek support - for them and for yourself.

Your partner in parenting,

Julia McGarey

PS

If you are struggling to navigate situations like this, coaching together might be a good fit. I have limited coaching spots available at the moment, but I do offer tiered pricing to make support more accessible. You can respond to this email with any questions you have, and you can schedule a consultation here to get started.